Month: May 2005

A few long, tired days under my belt…the surgery went quite well. We get final final results from pathology tomorrow, but they’re thinking it’s non-malignant. Whew. He’s been in minimal pain, considering, and the people at the hospital were *fabulous*. Gnarly scar on the neck, with stitches coming out next week.

I really need to bring my laptop or something to work, because it’s just too damn hot in my office in the afternoon. Either that, or more caffeine, mule!

Still working on my little story; I don’t know where it’s going at this point.

Mental health is heading into positive territory, I think/hope. At my physical, my new doctor (who I LOVE) noted that I’d lost 7 pounds since April 14. I haven’t really been _trying_ as such, but I think I’m eating more rationally. Definitely a better quality of sleep, too.

The scary part, right now, is the long climb to “normality” that I now see ahead of me. There’s a lot of work to do, and it will take real work to keep a positive attitude about it all.

Good weather helps, definitely: today was supposed to be record-setting, and with the long days, I can bike in the early morning or in the evening. It’s that low-grade-SAD that hits the whole NW, that when it lifts can leave one a little giddy.

I’m trying to make a decision about spending money I don’t actually have to do something that would be really emotionally meaningful….

I feel like I want to write something, but I don’t know what words to use. and tomorrow will be a long day, so I should probably get some sleep.

he did manage to get into the doctor yesterday, so surgery is still on for next week. we’re both a little anxious about it, but I’m hoping for the best.

went to a party last night and actually managed to enjoy myself. 🙂 I went to the same party last year, and this year I had a lot more fun. just an entirely different vibe, more mellow, less show-offy.

today I’m trying to make heads/tails of stuff in my (home) office, including finances. bleh.

I know I usually don’t write much about C, per his request, but I’m making an exception today because I need to spit all this out. (I’m also making an exception about posting at work; if I don’t get this out, I’ll be fscking useless all day, and I’ve already spent all week trying to catch up from my vacation.)

he has an enlarged lymph node in his neck that the ENT doctor wants to remove. it shouldn’t be a long-term danger, but they really aren’t sure. (IIRC, both scan & biopsy were inconclusive.)

surgery is scheduled for next week, with his pre-op appointment this morning. we got a packet of paperwork this week, with various destinations for the various bits and pieces.

in our house, paperwork is my particular bailiwick. I’m just good with forms: something related to my affinity for standardized testing, I think. so last night I sat down and filled out everything, including an online form, and then tried to figure out for sure what went where. (terse post-it note/stamp which might have been contradicted by the final instructions on the web form.)

so this morning he went *without* the form that turned out to be absolutely necessary before he could be seen by the doctor, which appointment is absolutely necessary before the surgery. and the next surgery appointment is at least six months out.

::sigh::

there was much angst on the cell phones, before he headed back to sit in the doctor’s office all day on the hopes that he’ll get an appointment at some time today.

damn. damn. damn.

I’m always so proud of my ability to handle paperwork, to fill out the stupid forms and get them where they need to be, when they need to be there. (income taxes? I fill them out every year, early.) and this time, when it really mattered, I flubbed something small, and the smallest thing mattered. a lot.

I keep thinking I should’ve just told him to bring it, just in case, and then if it hadn’t been needed, he would’ve just had an extra piece of paper with him. but it was early morning, and I was tired when he asked, and, and, and….

I have this picture of him on my desk that somebody took at Lance’s wedding; it’s a lovely semi-candid shot, but he has this almost-stern expression that sometimes unnerves me a little. (I’ve leavened it with one of his silly notes tucked into the corner: a smiley face that says “I LOVE YOU XXX” underneath.)

deep breath. pushing out the catastrophic thoughts that crowd around. I have to get through today. I will get through today. we will get through this together.

it just all feels like too much sometimes.

I’m staring at the post-it notes on my desk and they seem like things written by another person.

Of course, then I get a phone call, and I’m cool, composed and helful. What the hell kind of freak am I? I guess I’m the freak who’s good at paperwork but needs to get a little more fscking organized.

Or just calm the hell down.

I do not have, nor have I ever had, an eB-y account. nice try, though.

I got an email today that (inadvertantly?) gave me very good news. I’d say more, but others could be watching. 😉

finally managed to catch Kat & Joe on instant messenger last night, which was nice, if weird. I don’t know if my crazy typing speed is a good thing or a bad thing…it feels like I’m talking way too much or too fast, or something. and I think there’s a social style that will take some getting accustomed to. but I can’t think of two other people I’d rather learn with/from. 🙂

sometimes I wish I’d been around more when Joe was still living in Seattle; I feel like I missed out on something with that group of friends.

on an entirely unrelated note, I started a little story this morning, combining two little flashes of ideas I’ve had recently. it’ll be the first short story I’ve written since the airport story, which was at least four or five years ago, and (I think) the first fiction I’ve written this year…maybe longer. which as far as signs go, is a pretty good one.

dsl modem was powercycled this evening after the dhcp server failed. keep track of all failures!

Too hot in my office today…still. D, my assistant, brought in a usb-powered fan (no, seriously) which helps a little.

If we had wifi, I’d just bring the laptop and set up “office” in a hallway or something. Someplace with better air flow.

This morning, I picked a crazy-ish bouquet: iris, pink daisies, and some blue wildflower. It doesn’t look very formal, but sideways glances during the day reminded me of my lush side garden at home.

…at least on the web; the only web-creative work I’ve really done this week is for my neighborhood association, and even that not as much as I could’ve.

I was on vacation all this week, and trying to stay away from the computer, except for house-related research.

it’s been…interesting. so-so weather, but good enough for a couple of rides and a little bit of outside work. generally (indoors & out), I got more done than I could’ve but less than I’d like. a couple of big things are out of the way, and some path-laying work done for future work.

big fight this week, maybe as big as we’ve ever had. about which, the less said the better, except that I ::heart:: my new therapist.

cut all my hair off on Sunday last. okay, not *all* my hair. but I’ve been thinking about getting a major trim for a while — last time it was cut at all was probably February? — and then started thinking about something really different. did some web research to get pictures, the right terms, and then took the plunge. went quite a bit shorter than I really intended and almost passed out at that first big cut, but I’m very happy with the results.

this will surprise those who’ve known me through a variety of hair styles (when I got my hair hacked in ’97 and everyone else I knew was tripping out on it, Edith took one look and said “you had that cut in the 5th grade”), but this really is different from any hairstyle I have _ever_ had. it reminds me a little bit of Kat’s general style, but turns out quite different because of my big fluffy hair, that or Jen C’s haircut, although her hair is a little more flyaway than mine (that frizzy redhead thing). (trying to decide whether to try a mirror photo now, or wait until C is around again & persuade him to take a picture.)

from a practical standpoint, I like it because the front is long enough to pull/tie back for cleaning, gardening, etc., and the whole thing fits neatly under my helmet w/out resorting to braids or ponytails.

now I can let Pico keep most of my elastic hair ties, since they are her 2nd favorite toy, after “Mr. Spidey.”

oh, and the kicker is that since it was more than 10″ of hair (!!!!!), and I was happy to donate it, the cut was free.

update: I did end up taking a picture myself.

update 2: there is nothing new under the sun. see: photo from 1979; shorter, yes, but much the same shape.