oh, f— it.

I’m _this_ close to throwing in the towel on a relatively new committment, because it’s just too disheartening to have one person always throwing cold water on whatever I say. also, meeting agendas by wiki are teh suck.

I keep saying to myself: I believe in the mission, I believe in the mission, I believe in the mission.

I think I have more to say about this, but I’m going to see if it gels into something specific in the next day or so.

fsck that. I need to rant.

I believe intensely in this idea, so much so that I’ve been wanting it to come along here for two years. but I want it to be real, serious, and grownup, not some kind of adhoc greenerkid bs. I don’t want this to be like [committee who shall not be named] which has taken 4 1/2 years to get one thing done. I want my emotions, my actions, my ideas to mean something, to have a hand in shaping something that I feel in the core of my soul could be really powerful.

I’m also fighting with the lesser demons of my nature. two powerful beliefs that have long been hidden drivers of my behavior have recently been illuminated for me….

# being right increases my value as a human being, and being wrong decreases it.
# depression == bad person

and I know these are dangerous beliefs that have led me to dark places and a lot of unhappiness. the first in particular is one of those hidden operators that I can see almost everywhere, once I start looking.

I know that this experiment in a new organization will be fraught with both success and failure on lots of people’s parts. I’m going to be wrong about things, we all will. but feeling (from multiple directions) as though I am always wrong is almost more than I can fight against right now, esp. when being caught between other stronger-willed people. (yes, that includes himself, if you’re wondering.)

it’s almost easier to say fsck it and throw up my hands and focus on the neighborhood association, where

a) I don’t feel like it’s a constant process of invention
b) I’m using my talents in ways that are appreciated and useful

but I’m not quite there yet.