I feel somewhat this way

Gone Beyond, by Adam Greenfield.

I’m feeling sort of jumbled about Grandma. It’s not as though this was even remotely unexpected, and when Mom called me at 8:30 in the morning — once I realized it was her — I knew exactly what she’d say. Grandma was 93, had very bad Parkinson’s, and was generally just very, very old. The last time I talked to her, it wasn’t her, and I did a lot of my mourning then, a couple of months ago.

I don’t know if I want to go to the funeral (Friday or Saturday), even if I could afford it, which is definitely in question. It’s the side of the family that I have this intense ambivalence about. Already, rumors of impending (ongoing?) fighting betwixt Mom’s sibs, not that that’s anything new. And that’s a big part of it…I kinda want to go and tell everybody to shut the hell up and start behaving like grownups. Not that I would, but oh do I want to.

And I feel guilty. Guilty for not expressing how much she meant to me, my gratitude for everything she did for us growing up.

Aw, hell. It’s not like I haven’t written pretty much all of this sh*t before. I’m just gonna quote myself from November 2003:

I?ve been incredibly shitty about staying in touch with all the people in my life that I supposedly care about. if you?re one of them, I?m sorry.

…and most of the time, her death doesn’t seem quite real, or even very important, which is a little unnerving, too.