so it’s been 2 months

so it’s been 2 months now without my web site, and I miss it terribly.

what a weird sad slow low day. I’m weighted down by anxiety and ambivalence. wah wah wah. poor me. what a fucking bit of pitifulness.

I had a sort of revelation yesterday, playing pool at the Swiss with K (and thinking, not incidentally, of playing pool with Tom, back in the ‘sneaky lunchtime beers’ days). when I would consider carefully and strike the ball solidly, with a steady hand and good follow-through, I’d do all right. [note that I still suck at pool, regardless.] but most of the time my attitude was both too hesitant and too lackadaisical. and this, I think, is my problem with life in general – indecision, and worse than indecision: constantly second-guessing my own choices and half-acting in the hope that someone will point out what I should be doing.

that half-assed-ness also made me a weak, weak hostess. no tasty breakfasts – hardly any food worth assembling into a meal, as usual. although I did remember to tell him where the bathroom towels are kept, at least!