Some thoughts about Ant-Man

  1. Fun heist movie! With jumping and punching!
  2. For some reason, even though it’s ANT-Man, I didn’t realize there would be so many, well, ants. (I have Issues with ants.) Which at first was omgwtfbbq, but eventually I got used to them. For whatever reason, it was actually easier to deal with when the protagonist was ant-sized. Something something special effects?
  3. I like how the Marvel Cinematic Universe is interwoven in the fabric of the world, like those events and characters are just an understandable well-known feature of the world as it is. I’m sure there’s even things I would’ve picked up more had I seen Age of Ultron.
  4. I guess I hadn’t realized Michael Douglas was in this movie? Most of the time I do not enjoy his parts: well-acted, but hateful characters. This is probably my favorite thing with him since Streets of San Francisco. (Kids, ask your parents.)
  5. There are four female characters, and one is in the prologue, and the only two who talk to each other are the ex-wife and very young daughter of the protagonist. Bechdel-test-passing it is not. I like action movies; I would like to see more action movies where I don’t feel like my entire gender is off to the side. That said, there is some interesting stuff going on with Hope and Hank Pym.
  6. I’ve gotten “used to” gender problems in action movies; what stood out to me in Ant-Man was the race (and class?) issue, what with the ethnic stereotype ex-con “sidekicks.” TBH, the whole thing about the protagonist being a fallen middle-class white guy felt off/uncomfortable, and even more so when his roommates come to the Pym mansion, because their identities get played so heavily for laughs.
  7. I also have some nebulous thoughts about incarceration issues, but I can’t quite put it into words (yet).

So overall: I enjoyed it, but with significant caveats. I’d totally watch it again; we’ll see if those issues overwhelm the fun! explosions! aspects over time.

(Also: my action movies will be intersectional or they will be bullshit.)

Who Fears Death

Who Fears Death
author: Nnedi Okorafor
name: Elaine
average rating: 3.92
book published: 2010
rating: 5
read at: 2015/07/05
date added: 2015/07/06
shelves: fiction, fantasy, sci-fi
review:
Could not. Stop. Reading. Fascinating blend of fantasy and science fiction, great storytelling voice and world building.

Who Fears Death

Who Fears Death
author: Nnedi Okorafor
name: Elaine
average rating: 3.92
book published: 2010
rating: 5
read at: 2015/07/05
date added: 2015/07/06
shelves: fiction, fantasy, sci-fi
review:
Could not. Stop. Reading. Fascinating blend of fantasy and science fiction, great storytelling voice and world building.

Who Fears Death

Who Fears Death
author: Nnedi Okorafor
name: Elaine
average rating: 3.91
book published: 2010
rating: 5
read at: 2015/07/05
date added: 2015/07/06
shelves: fiction, fantasy, sci-fi
review:
Could not. Stop. Reading. Fascinating blend of fantasy and science fiction, great storytelling voice and world building.

The Book of Phoenix (Who Fears Death, #0.1)

The Book of Phoenix (Who Fears Death, #0.1)
author: Nnedi Okorafor
name: Elaine
average rating: 3.85
book published: 2015
rating: 4
read at: 2015/06/27
date added: 2015/06/29
shelves: fiction, sci-fi
review:
Picked it up on a bit of a whim because I wanted something to read on a hot day, it was in the new books section at the library, and I’d heard the name. This was an excellent choice. Moving and thought-provoking, with complicated and interesting characters. Couldn’t put it down and finished in a single afternoon! Marked down a smidge because it was occasionally hard to follow the action, but definitely great. I’ll be looking for others of this series!

The Book of Phoenix (Who Fears Death, #0.1)

The Book of Phoenix (Who Fears Death, #0.1)
author: Nnedi Okorafor
name: Elaine
average rating: 3.99
book published: 2015
rating: 4
read at: 2015/06/27
date added: 2015/06/29
shelves: fiction, sci-fi
review:
Picked it up on a bit of a whim because I wanted something to read on a hot day, it was in the new books section at the library, and I’d heard the name. This was an excellent choice. Moving and thought-provoking, with complicated and interesting characters. Couldn’t put it down and finished in a single afternoon! Marked down a smidge because it was occasionally hard to follow the action, but definitely great. I’ll be looking for others of this series!

Conferences: who pays? What does it change?

So Jessica Rose asked people who pays when they go to conferences, and as I mentioned, it’s usually been my employer. Since her question back to me, I’ve been thinking about it.

First of all, conferences that I pay for myself have fallen into two categories:

  1. It’s close and cheap: early WebVisions or Pacific Northwest Drupal Summit, or if I hadn’t been speaking at AlterConf Seattle. (Which means that activities are cheap and are basically within my normal day-to-day budget. I can afford to do whatever.)
  2. It’s a big trip that’s sort of a vacation: two of the three times I went to SxSW Interactive. (In theory, that meant I’d saved up for the experience and could afford to go to stuff, although it’s been long enough now that I’m not sure about what I may have skipped out on because I was low on cash.)

(Does this say something about what kinds of conferences I can go to overall? Probably. Every job I’ve been at that’s ever paid me to go to something has had fairly limited conference/training budgets, so if I can go to a conference, it means I’m picking one thing, and that’s the it for the year. I decided not to submit to speak at HighEdWeb when it was in Portland because they don’t give tickets to speakers, and I didn’t want that to be my one conference for the year.)

I suppose if I were being especially thorough I could actually go through my conference notes (which seriously, I think covers EVERY professional conference I’ve EVER been to) and SEE what the difference is based on what sessions I went to, or what sorts of notes I took, or what else I did while I was there. But that seems like a bit much.

If work is paying, I tend to be more narrowly focused, or at least I try to keep current or future projects in mind while listening. If I’m on my own dime, I feel more free to be experimental in what sessions I go to. Still: I find myself thinking about work things when I’m paying for a conference myself, and I don’t stop myself from musing about personal projects if work is paying.

I think also I used to be more likely to stick out a less-than-scintillating session if work was paying…now I think I’m just more assertive about not wasting my time.

And that’s the core of it: if I’m at a thing, I’m going to use the experience the best way I can, whoever’s paying for it; and as I’ve gotten older, I trust my own judgement more about what’s a good use of my time.

So I won’t pay for an event that I don’t think is worthwhile, and I won’t ask to go to anything that isn’t. When I’m at a conference, I’ll have my brain on and be taking lots of notes, and if I get burnt out, bored, or overwhelmed, I’ll take the initiative to regroup and do what works for me.

re-entry

I’ve been back home for two weeks! A few things in no particular order:

My hair is happier here, but my allergies went bonkers almost immediately, and only let up when we had a couple of days of rain. I’ll put up with that, though, because I was struck once again by what first amazed me about this region: THE GREEN. Coming back at the end of May means jumping directly into the manic growing season. Everything is green or flowering or both. My front yard grew a foot while I was gone. And it was a long drink of water for the heart after being in dry crispy SoCal. Yeah, it rained a bit while I was there, but it’s just a dry place, and this thousand-year drought…the saddest thing I saw, in some ways, was all the dying bamboo at the Huntington Gardens. We helped the neighbor put up a fence over Memorial Day weekend, and they have a huge zone of bamboo in one spot along the fence line. The contrast was quite vivid!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, last Saturday I spoke at AlterConf in Seattle. It was the first time I’d given a presentation in public since my HighEdWebDev talk in 2004! THE NERVES. The worst part, really, was entirely my own fault: I got accepted maybe a week before I left for SoCal, and I was “going to” work on it while I was out of town. [nope.gif] Well, I did spend one morning at Copa Vida making notes, which I guess was helpful, but I didn’t really tackle it until, um, my first week back in the office. Thankfully I had Justin’s slides and notes to work from, since he presented on the same topic from a different angle back in March. His slide design is fabulous: mostly what I needed to do was find my own voice.

So this was interesting, having not worked on something like this in forever: I know my subject matter pretty well, so what I did was close my office door and start talking out loud. I stopped pretty often to scrawl concepts or phrases on my office whiteboard, and once the whiteboard was full, I sat down and wrote it out in Evernote. It wasn’t until I had that mostly worked out that I went back to the slides to figure out what I wanted to keep, what to toss out, and what I needed to create for myself.

I only really practiced in front of other people once: for Susan and Justin on Friday. (!!!!!) But they gave me some good ideas for things to adjust, and overall just worked on boosting my confidence. (I opened my door at one point to take a break, and Susan asked how I was doing. “I’m going to throw up and then run away.”) I was still working on the slides ON THE BUS on Saturday, and even in a coffeeshop right before going over to the venue. But for all that, I feel pretty good about how the talk actually went. Parts of my brain are still THAT WAS TOO FORMAL or YOU ARE A TERRIBLE AWKWARD DORK or DID THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE, but I just keep telling them to STFU, because the actual feedback was good. (And I will always be thankful to Ryan Macklin, who I finally met, and to Ashe Dryden, for both being such engaged listeners that I could always look at them at any point and feel like SOMEONE was listening and got it.)

As for the rest of the day: I didn’t have internet, because reasons, so I don’t have live notes. Plus also nerves. But it was really interesting, different from anything I’ve been to before, overall I would highly recommend it. Joe Larson has a good summary of the day, if you’re curious. All the talks were good in very different ways. And Anna Zocher’s very short talk about disability got me to look into my own long-term disability insurance at work. (FYI for state employees: if you sign up after the grace period when you start, there’s an eligibility form; the first two years of insurance are Own Occupation, and if you’re disabled after that, it’s Any Occupation.)

Oh: I bought a car! Weird how that’s an afterthought about the last two weeks. Long story short: it’s a Mitsubishi i-MiEV, an all-electric car, a 2012 that’s like-new, less than 10000 miles. I’ve been calling it “the bubble car” because to me that’s what it looks like. I love driving it, and best of all, I was able to get to Lakewood on Saturday, eliminating the shittiest part of taking the bus to Seattle. (Oh, Oly express bus schedule, how I hate you.) Got there and back no problem, still with maybe a quarter of a “tank” left when I got home Saturday night.

Being at DrupalCon and taking a ton of photos in SoCal got me inspired to work on my own photo site, and hopefully I’ll have something set up soon. At the moment it’s on a local computer for faster development. It’s been fun figuring out how things work, and what I really want out of a photo site, and at the same time as doing dev for converting the CMS at work to Drupal. The learning goes back and forth across the two projects!

My AlterConf presentation notes

Description

Every group of people ends up with values that guide their work, whether they mean to or not. Be deliberate in choosing the values that matter to your team, put them into action, and communicate them to the people around you. Our team figured out our core values and we actually use them in making day-to-day decisions. Communicating them helped us launch a website redesign with minimal freakout. I’ll share things to consider when figuring out your team’s values, and how to use them in practice.

[slide, title, image of people with value bubbles]
Today I want to talk about how you can take the values that are already in your heart and make them part of your work, and that can make your work better.

All of us have value systems that guide how we behave in the world. They may be consciously chosen or unconscious values from our upbringing and our surroundings.

Groups of people aren’t any different. Even if a larger organization has formal values or a formal mission, informal values bubble up in a group of people who work together.

When you don’t talk about your values, you can’t know if they’re what you all really want or whether you’re being true to them. And when you do talk about your values, you can make better decisions and help others understand your choices.

So I want to share some ideas about uncovering, setting, and communicating your core values in your work.

[slide, who are we]

So my name is Elaine Nelson, and I work at The Evergreen State College.

You may know us from such stereotypes as the hippie college, the hidden birthplace of grunge, and the hipster college.

I work on a small team of web folk.

I wrangle backend code and words.
Justin wrangles frontend code and pictures.
Susan wrangles projects and people.

Together we make Evergreen’s public-facing website.

[slide, our values]

We went through a process much like this about two and a half years ago, and came up with these four core values:

User-focused
Data-driven
Simplified
Iterative

Where did they come from? How did we decide? Why did we even bother? The college has a mission statement and principles and foci of learning and expectations of a graduate. There’s lots of fancy words, none of which are here. If you work for an organization that’s been around for a while, you probably have plenty of fancy words to choose from.

We weren’t looking for fancy words. We were looking for ways to manage our overwhelming to-do list.

At that time, Justin and I were brand new to the college. Susan had been on her own for many months. And the website hadn’t been significantly updated in several years. So there was lots to do.

[slide, retreat]

We held a retreat. Well, really, we booked a room that had comfortable places to sit and lots of whiteboards, in a time of year when there weren’t many people around. We meant to talk about the next few months of work, but ended up talking about why we wanted to do things, what we would use to make decisions and explained them. We approached it by accident and ad hoc. You don’t have to.

But this is a great place to start: gather a small group of people who work on projects together. Find a place without mundane interruptions. And start talking. And keep talking, even after the time away is over. We started with at least half a dozen values listed, realized some of them didn’t match, and some of them were near-duplicates, before narrowing it to ones that we can all say without looking them up.

And when we looked back at the whole process, we came up with some questions that you might want to consider as you work out your team’s values.
[slide, the questions]

I think of this first one as the zero-eth step:

* What do you care about most in the work that you do?

The other question help the team bring what you value together with what your work needs to be doing.

* What will help your organization achieve its goals?

* What can you learn from past mistakes?

* What motivates your boss?

[slide, what do you care about most in the work that you do?]
So first, what do you value?
I care about using a certain amount of scientific thinking in my work, which means having reasons for doing things, and being willing to try different things. I also value making sites that are designed and written for real people, who have complicated needs and lives.

Susan cares that users can do what they’re there to do. She craves consistency and simplicity, and she wants her work to to be sustainable over the long run. And she often says: “If it’s better than what we’ve got, then go.”

Justin wants design to get out people’s way, to be invisible. But he also wants his work to be unique and fashionable.

We have a common belief in trying and learning, so being iterative underlies almost everything we do.

When you think about what you do, what is most meaningful? If your team’s core values reflect that, then you can feel them as your own.

Now that you know yourself and your team members, it’s time to look outward. And in looking outward, we came up with some examples of other organizations and what we might guess they value based on what we see of them.

[slide, organization]

What will help your organization achieve its goals?

[slide, W3C priority of constituencies]

One of our inspirations has been the W3C’s Priority of Constituencies. In fact looking at the priority of constituencies during our retreat was part of how we started talking about our core values.
Because in an organization that has many different stakeholders with conflicting goals and interests, they need something like the priority of constituencies to give structure to decision making. Because they’ve put end users ahead of everything, and theory after everything, we can guess at a value of utility — usefulness — standing behind the priority system.
[slide, Hotel Tonight]
For a commercial site like Hotel Tonight, we can see at least one of their values in their design: speed. You can see from the number of clicks from home to booked that they care deeply how quickly you can book a room. This matches their business goal of just getting a person to a hotel room right now, versus building a relationship or thinking ahead.
[slide, student]
Being user-focused and choosing the prospective student as our site’s primary audience connects our decisions to the needs of the college. Every piece of content has its user, and for our site as a whole, the most critical user is the prospective student.
[slide, other]

Other values that arise from this question might be found in those fancy words no one usually reads: what is your organization’s mission or strategic plan? Which of those aspects speaks to your team in its daily work? If you don’t have a larger organization’s goals to connect to, what does your work need to be successful?

[slide, mistakes]
Next, what can you learn from past mistakes?
[slide, D&D]
For Wizards of the Coast, switching Dungeons and Dragons to a ruleset with too much focus on grid combat and not enough character detail opened them up to competition on both the detail side and on the story side of role playing games.
The introduction of the fifth edition shows a rededication to a value of fidelity, rediscovering a feel that entices back long-time players. While they may not say with words that they went in the wrong direction, the changes speak for themselves.
[slide, Rube Goldberg]
On our team, we’ve all dealt with some overly complicated systems and useless duplication, both at the college and in our previous work lives. So simplifying is a core value for us, because none of us want to make that mistake again.
[slide, looking back]
You might look to mistakes in your past or your organization’s past and come up with values like respect, honesty, diversity, and dependability.
[slide, boss]

And finally what motivates your boss?

[slide, panda]
By this we don’t mean pandering to them. We mean knowing what their values are, in the same way that you know the rest of your team’s values, and finding the common points.
That connection makes it easier for them to become an advocate for you when you’re not there.
And by boss we mostly mean whoever’s next up the chain: a senior manager, a VP, a C-level executive. Maybe a member of a board of directors.
[slide, LotR]
It could be that attention to craft is something your boss cares about. For the chainmail makers and other creators who were part of the Lord of the Rings movies, dedication to craft was a shared value from the tiniest link of rubber to the arrangement of vast armies.
[slide Google Analytics]
Without giving away too much, we work with people for whom numbers are particularly persuasive. We too are fans of data, so being data-driven was an obvious core value.
[slide, your boss]
You don’t necessarily figure out what these values are by asking. You listen to their complaints and compliments. You watch other people try to convince them and see which arguments work. When you know what values you share, you can integrate those into your team.

[slide 65-76, pared down]

And now that you have set your core values as a team, this is where you use your values to filter your decisions: to have meaningful guidance under pressure. These are some examples for each of our team’s values.

Here’s the first example of how we walked the walk.

When we redesigned our primary navigation, we didn’t want to hide important links behind a hamburger menu. We determined that, in our design, there’s only room for [five links], so we really had to streamline what could appear there. But of course, everyone wants to be included, so we needed a way to prioritize.

We looked at our old list of links and we asked questions about it.
But here’s what we didn’t ask:

(Read questions aloud.)

Each of these questions focuses on the product or the desires of the content owners; they’re not relevant to the needs of our primary users, prospective students.

Here are the questions we did ask.

(Read through questions aloud.)

These kinds of questions are focused on the user, not the product or the author. It’s a subtle but important distinction.

In being user-focused we were able to more efficiently prioritize the massive amount of content and with the content changes that we deal with on a daily basis. When someone approaches us about putting a link on the homepage they have to concede that the needs of prospective students outweigh their personal convenience, ego, or some tiny slice of the site’s visitors.

So that’s one way we demonstrated one of our core values.

Here’s another example. When we were trying to write a new tagline for the home page, it turned into a committee debate, which is always a terrible idea for writing. A bunch of ideas were thrown out there, and before it came to a vote (also bad news), Justin suggested trying a split test to see how actual audiences responded to each of the tag lines. Which of these would get the most clicks? [The one] written by a marketing professional? [Or the one] written by the highest paid person in the room?

[Explain the results.]

The lesson here is trust the professional, but also verify.

We look to the data when we’re unsure of the answers. It often provides valuable insights into how well we’re doing or where we could do better.
new transition?

But here’s the thing. Once prospective students are on the site, they need to quickly learn what they can study, how much it costs, how to schedule a campus visit, and how to apply. This information was scattered all over the site.

• [Sometimes] it was hidden.
• [Sometimes] it was duplicated in multiple places and often the information didn’t match up.
• [We had a separate] admissions site with its own navigation system.
• Important dates were sometimes months or even years out of date.
• Basically, we were making it confusing for prospective students to achieve some of their most basic goals.

It was clear that we needed to simplify, and we needed the site to stay simple over the long haul.

Using that core value, we found and consolidated duplicate content and removed content that created confusion. We made the language clearer to improve comprehension. We scheduled audits so that content owners would have a set time to go in and refresh information.

Every time we simplify a new site section, our users have responded positively, and our live tests show that they’re more easily able to find the content they need. Plus, content owners find themselves having to do less work to keep their site up to date.

And about that Admissions site.

An earlier team spent two years in a vacuum creating a flashy design that had all these crazy JavaScript sliders. [When they launched it], it was two years behind the trends. The project had taken so long to get together that by the time it was out the door, it wasn’t quite what we wanted.

At the same time, it had left behind the rest of the site, leaving us without a plan to bring everything together. While it was better than what was there before, it was one website with two designs, which made learning about the college very hard for the audience we were trying to serve.

We learned a hard lesson there, so for our next big update, we decided we weren’t going to keep the project locked away in a tower with a magnificent curtain reveal. We were going to do it iteratively. That means putting out bits of the site a little bit at a time. [Demonstrate it here.]

In this way, we were able to get fresh, new pages in front of prospective students without worrying about less important pages. Those would come later, but they weren’t essential to launch. Iterating meant that we could help our users immediately while staying open to new possibilities.
[more of Justin’s slides]


That brings me to the last step, communicating your core values. We gave several versions of a presentation about the work we were doing on the website. That presentation always explained our core values and how they influenced our decisions.

By presenting our core values to senior staff—and later the rest of campus—we made the process more clear to our fellow employees. Our openness build understanding and respect.

We also rounded up some guinea pigs. We invited a few clients whose sites were essential for recruiting prospective students. Some of them came in trusting our process while others we expected to give us more pushback. But the temptation of getting in on the ground floor of a redesign was a great way to get some challenging clients on board.

We made it clear that not everything was going to go smoothly at first. When we tried our fledgling processes out on them, we figured out what worked, and redesigned the things that didn’t. These guinea pigs helped us create a portfolio of success stories.

This communication step works hand-in-hand with the previous step, demonstration. The more we showed how our core values worked, the easier it’s been to get others to understand the process. And the more you share your victories with your clients, the more opportunities you’ll have to rack up new successes.

By showing our wins to senior staff and the reasons why they worked, we built up much-needed trust and we turned them into advocates for us. Yes, we got VPs to be our advocates! Our process for establishing victories was then filtered back down to their staff, and as we’ve been working with them, our base of advocates grows. This means fewer angry emails in our inbox when big changes come.

This process is the bedrock for our success: we go back to this well time and time again. When we’re approached about a change that we might not know how to handle, we ask ourselves how it stacks up against our core values and make a decision from there. It really is a point of pride for us.

[and then I mostly used Justin’s slides & notes for the conclusion]

save vs maudlin

(that’s from a tweet. when I get back to a regular computer I’ll embed it. I’m not sure I can do that on ye olde Transformer.)

I told C last night that I was working the nostalgia out of my system so that we could take a vacation together and just have fun here. And I kinda mean that. This particular trip has been all about: OMG HOMELAND. (Props to GA for the word “homeland” to refer to SoCal. “Hometown” is kinda fuzzy when you’re talking about a region, about multiple damn near overlapping towns, etc., etc.)

I thought I’d have more to say about GTA (I’m working on an essay) with this visit, and that’s true, but only up to a point. Because I’m realizing that the places I think of as the homeland aren’t really in GTA. Yeah, the wide bright streets. Yeah, Old Town’s acquired a certain poshness that seems familiar. But not so much the vibe that I wrote about in my last blog post. Jacaranda, lantana, jasmine, deodar, oak, olive, lemon.

Maybe it’s that I so often experienced it at human walking scale, and I am again now. I decided against renting a car, and instead got a multi-day transit pass. Which: best $25 I’ve spent since I’ve been here. And I’ve walked so much, at least 5 or 6 miles a day, and yesterday ELEVEN MILES. My calves!

But it’s not just that, because I had weird GTA echoes while I was in downtown. Dunno. I may have to let that simmer some more before I can really write it.

Relatedly? – Yesterday I went to Mountain View Cemetery. (Go with me.) On the one hand, when I was a teenager, I hopped the fence with Raul a few times to hang out in the graveyard. (LOL goth-ish early 90s teens. Also: “Hang out.” Snerk.) On the other hand, my great-grandmother is buried there, and I’d never actually seen her grave. It’s a lovely cemetery, lots of old (for SoCal) stones, big trees, and the staff was very helpful getting me the location of Great-Grandma Kellogg’s headstone.

Afterwards I was going to catch the bus to Eaton Canyon, but I’d just missed it, so I started walking. (Did I mention 11 miles?) I saw an adorable little house for sale…half a mil. !!!!!! And then the Little Red Hen Coffee Shop, which I felt like I’d heard of but maybe had never been to? And the reviews on Google were good, so I darted across the street.

Digression: I had seriously forgotten how absurdly wide even the side streets are around here. Then the main streets: I swear I’ve been on highways up north that were narrower.

I tweeted about this yesterday, but eventually I mentioned that I was on vacation, but from the area originally. And then I said that I couldn’t believe I had never been in before. (Because it was so delicious! Perfect bacon. Great pancakes. Water infused with lemon & mint. If you are in the area: GO NOW.) The woman looked at me and said “Your parents took you to Fox’s, right?” Which was….

Fox’s is a similar tiny joint probably a half-mile away, but on Little Red Hen is on the west side of Fair Oaks, and Fox’s is on the east side of Lake.

“Yeah, they did.” “Y’all didn’t cross the color line.”

Nope, we didn’t cross the color line. We lived in the zone where the color line was probably blurring in the early 80s; when I think really hard about my neighbors, about the places where I walked, about the houses around us, we probably lived right on the edge of the color line. But when it came to going out and being in a culture, we stayed on our side of the color line. (When we didn’t go all the way out to IHOP on Sierra Madre Villa.) We went to the breakfast joint with ketchup, not the one with hot sauce. The one with watercolor prints of lakes and mountains, not prints of Malcolm X and MLK.

I think I just gave her a crooked smile, and she shrugged, and I complimented the food again, both of us acknowledging: because racism.

With words I was brought up to believe color-blind was a thing. That you could just treat everyone equally. And at the same time

I’ve got so much going on in my head right now. The girls who threw my viola in the street when I was 12, and Edith, no more than 10, yelling at them to leave me alone, and one girl trying to choke her out. Mom calling the sheriff, and the dean, and that girl getting called in. I was mortified. MORTIFIED. I heard in high school, that she was still afraid of mom, and at the time I thought it was mostly because Mom is, well, a person of intense presence.

But now I’m connecting it to hearing a couple of black guys in my AP English class talking about being hassled by the sheriff up in northwest Altadena where they lived. (Altadena was and is unincorporated, so it’s patrolled by the LA County Sheriff’s Department.) I have to wonder if that girl’s fear was something else entirely.

I’m thinking of talking to people I know in Oly about my teen years, about the gang fight that got broken up by the police that I missed because I was working at the library; about being bused to a different neighborhood in high school (“as a black kid”, because I could definitely observe the difference between where I lived and where I was going); about being a numerical minority most of my school years. And then thinking about how I moved to such a white corner of the country, and after the initial alienation of college — which was mostly about class and money — how I’ve come to feel entirely at home there. And not really liking what that says about me. Which then feels ridiculously vain.

I do like Olympia for itself, I like the northwest for the weather, I like my town for its scale and its flora, for being able to bike to the river, for The Mountain in the distance on a clear day, for the friends I’ve made and the work I have.

But now I have some other things to put into perspective.

All of this is still pretty incoherent. (The related to GTA part? A section in the aforementioned essay-in-progress about music and race and time.) I’m glad I have the time and solitude to process it a little bit.

[I was gonna write about some other memory stuff, re save vs maudlin, but this is what needed to be said. Maybe later?]