looking for words

I find myself even more tongue-tied than usual at the moment.

I tried talking about all this to Kat last night, at least until C shouted that dinner was ready, and I found myself having a hard time describing this place I’ve been at, and the choice I just made.

I managed to fumble out the word to my boss this afternoon, and somehow I’ll do the same with my assistant next week.

I’ve been depressed, really, severely depressed…with the sense of pressure increasing the last few months as my knee injury has lingered. I’ve had thoughts I can’t write or even really put into words.

I’ve started and deleted at least four sentences already, none of which quite express what I want to say. I’m feeling particularly delicate in this venue, knowing that I remain the Elaine Nelson in Google, Yahoo and MSN Search, that my personal site is in my gmail sig, that at least once at least one of my coworkers has read my site.

But this is who I am, and this is where I am in my journey, right now: fighting, sometimes, not to fall into the crevasse of despair, to keep a steady hand on my own too-short sense of irritation at the universe, to maintain some sense of equilibrum. I haven’t been doing very well at it.

What is my plan to stay safe? I was asked yesterday, and it occurs to me now that this is one part of it; to remember that I can always write it down, and that writing it down can be a release, even when I feel all alone.

I went to therapy, last fall, and it helped hold me in place. This time, after considering back and forth, I’m taking an extra step…I’m still a little uneasy about it. But after reading the Midnight Disease (excellent book, btw), and remembering other things I’ve read, and just thinking back on the curvature of my moods, I am choosing to try medication.

Whew…can’t believe I just wrote that. Like stripping naked in a public place.

But I have hope, a thin thread of it.

Also, the more I write, the more I hope I can make sense of it all.

6 Replies to “looking for words”

  1. Me three.

    Just make sure you stay in close contact with your doctor when you start taking it. This particular class of medicine seems to have significantly different and unpredictable effects on different people, so you want to make sure that you don’t head too far down the wrong path. In other words, if the first one doesn’t work, there are others.

    And if it helps get rid of the black dog, it’s got to be a good thing.

  2. Thanks, guys. I’m keeping an eye on my moods & behavior, and I’m scheduled for at least a phone check-in with my doc next week.

  3. Saying this stuff it maybe hard but it will be easier over time and as for me I say it and don’t care what others think because it makes me who I am today

  4. First, I’ve never been against the use of external chemicals, if they serve a purpose which you can eventually learn to control without them. You may think that you appear stronger on the outside than you feel on the inside, but strength isn’t just about being stoic in the face of adversity.

    “Courage isn’t just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It’s being afraid, and doing what you have to do anyway.”

    (I can’t believe I just quoted Doctor Who in response to a real-life issue, but it’s true.)

    For yourself, documenting your moods and state of mind is probably the best thing you can do with medication. Think of it as a laboratory test, with your own nervous system as both the subject and the instrument of observation.

    I’ve learned from my own public exploits that there is a certain safety in writing it all down, but more specifically in honesty. In the long run, honesty’s been the thing that provided me with a lot of strength. More specifically, the love I got back in return for all the honesty. And that, I can now provide in spades, as you probably know.

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