depressing thoughts

don’t know if/how I can be normal today. want to curl up & sleep, or shriek and bang my head against a wall.


but I guess I’m managing. work and coffee do miraculous things, as does a return call from Group Health.


a history

1978-ish – mom’s journal of my preschool days mentions that I am shy around other children, much better with adults.
1980-1983 – I am shy but generally happy. at some point in here, I am identified as having a balance (?) problem that sends me to adaptive physical education. I find it embarassing.

1983 – dad dies…everything goes wrong. family counselling starts here, lasts through the 80s and into the 90s. change schools, none of my old friends go to my new school. Coco, dad’s cat, dies about 6 months after he does.

1984-1985 – begin my first diary. remember these years as being particularly unhappy. first new cat (Grey) dies.
1985 – start junior high. first real friend (Thao) since ’83.
1986? – begin writing poetry & fiction seriously.

1988 – start high school.
1990? – start first job.
1991 – first boyfriend. resume journaling seriously. junior year is high point of high school; successful, most friends. writing consistently.
1992 – severe depression; first one-on-one counseling. leave for washington/college.
1993 – come out to self. resume counseling, off and on, through 1996. another severe depression, lasting through the winter/spring of 1994.
1995 – start at CMT. death of grandma N, grandpa D.

1996 – H moves away; breakup with R. graduate college, start working fulltime.
1997 – major break with H; G moves away; start dating C, then move in together. start at UWPC. writing published. we get Sasha.

another major episode somewhere in the period 1998-2000. lots of work stress.
1998? – death of Uncle Bill, grandpa N. start of writer’s group. we get Maddy?
1999 – KT moves away.
2000 – start at Pierce. get married.
2001 – end of writer’s group.
2002? – low-grade constant depression, off and on up to present.
2003 – move to Olympia. C starts school. we get Boingo.
2004, March – begin disassembling kitchen, etc.
2004, August – almost file for divorce. restart counseling, through Dec. 2004.
2004, September – we get Pico.
2004, December – injury to knee
2005, January – death of grandma D
2005, March – C graduates. get back in touch with H.

the end of the writer’s group and the move to Olympia seem to have been the catalysts of this ongoing thing.

why? the loss of friends from both changes. the additional stress of C going back to school and the responsibility of the house. not as much support for writing.

plus gradually increasing responsibilities at work, increased interactions necessary with IT.

I bounce back and forth between feeling — happy, productive and competent — naked impotent rage — and curl-up-and-die despair. sometimes from minute to minute. plus overwhelmed…which seems to be a native state of being.

a long time ago I remember describing it as being on top of the wave or drowning in it.